On Golden Birthdays

What is a “Golden Birthday”? It’s when you turn the age that matches the day you were born. If you’re unlucky like my husband, your golden birthday comes and goes before you can really celebrate because it happened to you so young. If you’re like me and you have a birthday as late as possible in the month, it can be pretty nice to celebrate yourself in a special way. Today is my golden birthday.

I have to thank Brian for going out of his way to give me an absolutely awesome, fun-filled, thoughtful weekend. It started with Friday evening, where I got to host the first in-person D&D session at our apartment (and the first really D&D session I’ve had the privilege to truly DM for) in a very long time. Alex, Ari, Rachel and Brian were so fun to lead through a rather straightforward session and I can’t wait to see how this campaign plays out. I have so many ideas and I hope they come to fruition. Then, we had Saturday and Sunday to spend inside, taking it easy and doing one of my personal favorite past times: crafting. I won’t get into details here, since it has to do with our aforementioned D&D campaign, but for the first time Brian and I had the opportunity to craft, create, get messy, and try new things in terms of making art. Brian’s never done things like this before and it was a learning experience for both of us, but it was so lightening and freeing to spend two whole days creating again. It really helped ground me and reset my brain and get me thinking in a positive way. Monday was the beginning of our weekend away. Part of my birthday present this year was a three-day getaway to Atlantic City - entirely because my real present was to get the chance to eat at a Gordon Ramsay restaurant. A little aside here… If you know me, you know I’m obsessed with Gordon Ramsay and I have been for a long time. My mom and I used to watch Hell’s Kitchen together when I was a kid, my Uncle Kevin gave me Gordon’s autograph when I was in middle school (yes, it’s still framed) and Gordon’s shows are typically a dinner watch for Brian and I. Getting to eat at one of these restaurants was on my bucket list. So on Monday, we drove a quick hour and a half jaunt down to Atlantic City, past the poor saps stuck in tons of traffic going back home after the holiday, and we got to stay at a rather nice hotel for a rather nice few days away. We walked the boardwalk twice (three or so miles were walked in total I believe), we shopped at two different candy shops (one of them got two separate trips too), we played arcade games on two different days and I hit two different jackpots on two different arcade machines, we ate at two different pubs for two different dinners, but at each I had a dish with French fries, a dish with beef and bread, and a delicious dessert with fruit in it. The weekend was full of reminiscing about our childhoods and looking forward to more time together in the future, but for the most part, it was a great way to disconnect entirely from work and life. No complaining about long hours or stressors. No bemoaning chores or early mornings. It was perfect. The meal at Gordon Ramsay’s pub could be its own post, but in general it was savory, flavorful, skillfully crafted and undeniably delicious. I want to do it again. Today we came back home, just in time to have pizza and cake with my mom and Aunt Rita.

Here we get into the weepy, sentimental part. The whole weekend, and yes I do mean the whole weekend, I couldn’t stop bringing up absolutely great memories of my dad. Vacations, trips to the beach, playing arcade games, taking pictures, special dinners, and thoughtful presents were my dad’s thing. Last year’s birthday was the first without him and it put me into a catatonic spiral. I’d funnel myself into work and come home burnt out and numb. I’d stare off into the distance or get stuck in a feedback loop of sad and anxious and regret and emptiness. That didn’t happen this year. I miss my dad so much. Probably more than anyone but Brian realizes. But this trip was the exact opposite. Instead of mourning what I didn’t have and filling the emptiness with more emptiness, I found fond memories and rejoiced in the fact that I had so much to reminisce on. True, I’m sitting on my couch crying as I write this and I almost broke after I blew out the candle tonight (Aunt Rita if you’re reading this, you caught me tear up and just barely crack. I was hoping you didn't. Brian probably did too). But I’m not crying because it’s over, just crying because I don’t get to do it in the same way again.

So here I am on this golden birthday full of parallels and doubles, happy to be here, secure in my place in the world, longing for those who are gone but striving to make each year another where they could still say they’re proud of me. Thank you to everyone who sent me well wishes. Thank you to my mom and aunt for the gifts and cake. Thank you to my ever-dazzling husband, who brings out the best and truly went out of his way to make the past five days all about me at nearly no cost. Thank you to life for continuing to be worth living. And thank you to those who aren’t here, I feel you every day.

Some Words of Wisdom (if you know, you know): Sometimes, life doesn’t seem like it, but it has a funny way of working out. Loss makes you stronger, but it tries its best to break you. Someone who seems unimpressive or unimportant might be the very person who completely changes your life. Sometimes things take time to change, but if they didn’t the change might not have happened in the first place. It’s all we can do to trust the path we’re on and make the best of our choices - both those we’ve made and those we’re still making. If you need to hear it, let this be your sign: let life work its way out, trust the process, and keep going.

-G